Coming out of the 'Spiritual closet'
It feels a little scary and exciting to share this part of myself. Not the ‘I do yoga, drink green smoothies, meditate + read affirmations’ type of spiritual closet. The ‘I read energy, channel information, communicate with aliens, grew wings, exist on other dimensions ‘ type spiritual closet A feeling deep within is saying that its time I share this part of myself now, that I start writing about it. For what purpose? I don't know yet…..
I feel like the story started with the night I cried at the ceiling, drinking wine + asked the fan ‘What did I do wrong? Why am I here? What do you want from me?’
For which the fan replied……. nothing, its just a fan. After that little episode on the couch and a few more just like it. I put our house on the market in Bris, it sold 3 days later + I packed up our little family of 4 and moved to the Sunny Coast.
I spent that summer nearly everyday at the beach. I took our kids, who hadn't started school yet, for morning swims, day naps + beach dinners. I look back on that now + see I was nourishing and nurturing my heart, after years of ignoring it + beating it down, I was breathing life back into me with sea salt + sunshine.
I had a really good summer that year but right at the end of it, my husband was made redundant, and its common knowledge on the coast that there is no work here unless you own your own business. Amongst the scariness of it all, I had a soft and gentle underlying feeling telling me with rock solid knowing , that we were ok, we were going to be ok + that moving here was the right thing to do.
That whole year our whole life felt like it did a complete 180. Both our minds were freaking out that we were possibly crazy for doing this, we worried so much about money and how we were going to support our family but at the same time my heart grinned back stupidly drunk in love.
We spent our whole lifes savings that year AND … had to borrow more.
I started PRINTSEA, my Husband started his electrical biz, we Went overseas twice (are we crazy??) I did 3 rounds of business coaching, twice with a legend and the third that was a panic decision in the wrong direction because of fear of our lifestyle completely changing. We thought a million times that we should move back to Brisbane and get real jobs but really really didnt want to.
.............and everytime the feeling was there and it said ‘you’re ok, you’re going to be ok, you're doing the right thing.’ I sure as hell didnt have anything to base this feeling off. On paper we looked like we were committing financial suicide. Multiple times that year and still to this day, I wonder if I am going to wake up one day and regret spending all our money + going against the ‘society grain’. But that feeling always pops in, tells me all soothingly like getting into a bed with fresh sheets, ‘you’re ok, you’re gonna be ok, you’re doing the right thing’ It calms my farm, mid panic + I know with certainty that, Yes, I might not know what the bloody hell I’m doing, but also I do + I’m ok.
…. This is what I started writing last week. This is part of the story but its not really what I want to say. I’m trying to start it where I think it will make sense for you to understand, but really it isn't the beginning, Its never really begun its just always been. I want to share with you the ins and outs, because when I am on the other side of my crazy, I like to share in the hope that it helps, but at the same time, I’m not yet on the other side and don’t think I ever will be.
When I started PRINTSEA in 2016, I felt excited and also like I was stepping closer to who I am. I was feeling stronger in myself and starting to follow my own path but at exactly the same time, I was following a path of another because thats what you do and because I didnt know any different. Except I did, I was just too scared to listen and follow it myself. I hustled for PRINTSEA like a mofo. AND to some it looked like I was really succeeding, it looked like I was ticking all these great boxes, I was getting noticed, I was in some smaller magazines and some really beautiful peoples blogs, I was starting to sell to known names in the industry and I was actually making money - I had created a business that made me money, not a million dollars, not even $100k but I lodged a tax return and that was a huge deal to me. And while I found it so exciting, I recognised with every milestone I was ticking off, it was like the dream was losing its sparkle, the novelty wore off as soon as I achieved it, sometimes before I even got it. At the end of the year, I was absolutely exhausted, the successes that looked good on paper, that were impressing people, were making me feel hollow. I was still just ticking boxes that I thought were expected of me.
I recognise this now as a life cycle, that I feel like I have been stuck in for many years. And when I say I now recognise it, what I mean is, I worked it out about 3 days ago. I’ll come back to this part, but there is still more to the saga.
I was feeling so confused at the start of the year. I had finished up business coaching at the end of 2016. I met some amazing women, I’d found my girl gang + I started to think about the possibility of doing business more intuitively. Something I thought I had already been doing, but the message was getting louder. A bit of a saying of mine had caught on in my little circle of biz buddies. ‘ sparkle chasing’ basically, I have the notion, that you really can and do anything you truly want. But how I felt about this back then, was a bit wishy washy, no mechanics behind it. I felt it to be true, but I couldn't actually tell you how it could be true without recycling all the info that is getting thrown around like a $2 lucky dip. (that analogy doesn't even make sense, what I am trying to say, is there is a lot of crap that you can find everywhere, about all this stuff on the surface, but it lacks substance.) I made some hilariously terrible You Tube videos and tried to put together some sort of course thing like everyone else getting on the bandwagon. I knew that I believed in this, but I only understood it to a level like a bit of surface rust.
This was about the time the feeling started saying something more.
In about May, I stumbled across a woman name Lauren Aletta, she was talking about stuff my brain, at first, could just not understand but that I knew was important and true for me. I had a few sessions with her and I started cracking open. She was teaching me how to read my own energy, to understand where I was at and how to heal and expand myself. My first ‘mechanics’ type lesson with her, I realised I had always seen, heard and felt things + believed it to some extent, but mostly assumed it was my imagination. I also felt like this was the part of the story that made me feel like I had hope again, that it wasn't wishy washy this belief I had always had, that there was actually something that made sense behind it all, it had a backbone. For the first time in my life I felt seen + that I wasn't bad.
All through that year, I dived into the energy body, chakras, archetypes, I became a reiki practitioner, I did rituals around the moon, I met my guides and did healings on myself with a witch, an angel + a goddess. I learnt to channel, bring in light, I learnt how to be grounded (not the type of grounded when you are in trouble from your parents, more a feeling that you aren't so in your head, you're in the present moment and connected to the Earth) I saw a fairy once. I was briefly visited by a blue pleiadian ET being that felt like deep love, I learnt to read other peoples energy, I cried a lot and felt like I might have been going through some kind of menopause. I wondered if people would think I had joined a cult if they looked in at my life + if I shared any of this and if maybe I was actually going crazy even though I felt normal. I opened my heart and felt more like the real me than I ever had…….. I also took my kids to ballet, and cricket, made school lunches, celebrated at weddings, danced at girls nights, watched rom coms, kissed my husband, read chick lit, laughed hard at comedians, went to concerts, had conversations about why you need to brush your teeth + cleaned the house. Just for a bit of added drama and effect. Amongst all this, My husband got Melanoma + then I did too + then he did again. We were super lucky it was caught early and we both have these big crazy scars to show for it. SIDE NOTE : go get your skin checked, you’re never too young.
So back to what the feeling said at the start of the year, and how all that I just said above was part of the process.
………Make an oracle deck. A flower oracle deck. When I did finally start to create it, it was a very different process to the way I have usually worked + created in the past. It was a year long process that was unexpected and expanding. Some days I could draw 5 flowers + then I would have to wait a month to draw more. Some days I had so much inspiration I didnt know what to do with myself, some days, everything would stop me from working on it and I would wonder if it wasn't right anymore. With each step of the process, I felt I was given little challenges/tasks/rites of passage to continue (this is where all that learning and understanding my own energy came in). Along the way, I was tested with patience and flow. I had to do things I didnt understand at the time, but became apparent later. Part of the deck is colour and part of the deck is black and white - this is for an aspect of grounding and light, its also for a pattern that is created from the contrast that harmonises your energy. Something I still couldn't tell you exactly how or the full purpose for, but just know this is how the deck wanted to be created. I felt I lived each card as I created it. When I drew a flower, and later looked up its traditional flower essence meaning, that was the week I had. I also had my own interpretations weave throughout. When I channelled the messages for the cards, it was messages I needed to hear for myself, whether it was right then and there or for a time only days away. When I pull a card now, the message is still so intuitive to what I need to hear right then. The deck came to me as a feeling. Light and fresh and intuitive right back at the beginning. And when i finished creating it, thats exactly what it feels like. I had never created like this before.
And in all that, it was the hardest and best year of my life so far.
I finished ‘The Floral Oracle’ and had it self published. I haven't told many people about it, this beautiful creation of mine, because I have been shitting myself about coming out of the ‘spiritual closet.’ (Not the ‘I do yoga, drink green smoothies, meditate + read affirmations’ type of spiritual closet. The ‘I read energy, channel information, communicate with aliens, grew wings, exist on other dimensions - and so can you’ type spiritual closet.) I guess I was hoping for sharing without anyone actually knowing about all that. But the feeling is back and its saying that its time I share this part of myself now, that I start writing about it. For what purpose? I don't know.
So this is me. I’m not complete, I’m not a huge success story. I’m not finished my journey. I haven't learnt all I need to know. I don't have all the answers. There is no big finish. I didnt manifest a house or land a book deal. I’m just me, doing me. I cant business plan the shit out of that, map my future + set up a retirement plan. I don't even know what I will be doing tomorrow, because most of the time, its not even something I have ever even fathomed before as I am sure you can imagine if you are still reading this far. I’m just me doing me, because I just cant do all the other ways anymore. There is something within me that just wont allow it.
So some of you will continue on this journey of exploring with me and most likely exploring within yourself and for some of you, this is where, you think I’m nuts and we will part ways. Thats perfectly perfect. We aren't everyones cup of tea. This is where my soul is guiding me and I am just honouring that.
I love this part of me, its amazing and exciting and magical. When I think about what I know now, I feel like I’ve discovered I’m magic. Not the kind like we watched on TV growing up, I’m not Samantha or Sabrina, but a deep knowing that I am more that what I look like. I’ve barely scratched the surface of what I have come to understand and know and I’m so curious to explore more.
I will keep writing and sharing about the things I have experienced and discover along the way on this blog and also on IG. It will hopefully help me to open up more about this part of myself, to share what feels sometimes crazy, vulnerable, expanding and normal.
This is what I wanted to share. Thank you for holding the space for me to do that. I am so grateful.